Why in long -term relations steam has problems with sex, even if two love each other, as before? Why is the desire weaken from everything reliable? Why the forbidden enhances the fire of passion? And can we wish for what we have?
Today in the world there is a crisis of desire. Desires to possess a beloved, desires as an expression of our individuality, our freedom and preferences. Desires without which we no longer imagine love.
Stability and adventure
We try to maintain sexuality as long as possible. And by no means because we are going to have fourteen children, and not because it is a woman’s marital duty. We want to extend our sex life for the sake of enjoyment and merging, to which we are leading.
The secret of preserving desire is in the ability to find a balance between two fundamental human needs.
- First – This is the need for safety, predictability, stability.
- The second – the need for adventure and risk, for novelty, secret and travel.
Previously, these needs seemed incompatible. The marriage provided partnership for the sake of continuing the genus, social status, and the continuity of generations.
But now we want our partner to be our best friend, trusted face and passionate lover
Today we expect from one person everything that has previously been provided by a whole group of people encountered throughout their lives:
“Believe me, give me identity, integrity, and at the same time help me touch the transcendental, give me mystery, awe … Give me comfort, give me the boundaries. Give me a novelty, give me intimacy. Give me predictability, give me unexpected “.
“Want” vs “have”
The word that I associate with love is the verb “have”. And the verb “want” is connected with the desire. When we love, we strive to have, to know our beloved. We strive to minimize the distance between us. Reduce the gap. Remove the stress. We need proximity.
When we are covered by desire, everything is different. We do not strive to repeat what has already been to return to where we have already visited. We want another, which is somewhere “on the other side”, far from us, and we will need a bridge to visit it and spend time with it. Desire needs space.
In more than 20 countries, I asked people: when they most of all feel a craving for their partner? Regardless of gender, culture and religion, the answers were reduced to several options.
- The first group of answers: “Most of all I am attracting to him or her when he is or she is far away, when we are separated and I miss and imagine that we are together”.
- The second group of answers: “Most of all I am drawn to a partner when he is in the filming pavilion, on stage, in his element, when he is at a party and I see that he attracts other people when she is engaged in a passion for some kind of business when I see hersurrounded by fans. When I see my partner shining and self -confident, who do not need anyone’s support “.
- The third group of answers: “I am attracted most when she surprises me when we laugh together at the joke”.
In essence, this is all about the novelty. But not about the novelty of poses or technician, but about the fact that you will discover in yourself
. After all, sex is not what you do. This is the space where you enter yourself with another.
People rarely talk about attraction, being five centimeters from a partner or, conversely, too far from him, when he is no longer considered. Desire arises when we see a partner at some distance and he, so familiar, suddenly seems mysterious, elusive. And in this space, an erotic impulse arises between us, the attraction to it.
